My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
You Might Also Like
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.