Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
so much to do
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
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