[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
You Might Also Like
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Word!
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.