Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
one of
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Does it…does it take 3 days
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I think costco should be the next president of the united states