You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
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I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Me, flirting😏
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
LMAO.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya