I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
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Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
wish me luck lads
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Nomnomnomnom
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming