So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
A family that plays together cheats.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*