My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name