Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.