“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
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*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.