This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
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Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Cake safety first. Always.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.