My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
SPLOOT
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Barbie gone wild
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all