I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
You Might Also Like
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit