If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
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[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.