“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
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Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Just ordered me some pizza!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.