ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Yoga Matt
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*