I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
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I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
our love story in four pictures
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
i think my razor is having a panic attack
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
put ‘er there pardner!
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!