beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.