The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper