“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
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Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Feel. He’s so soft.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Realize this: