Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls