I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
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My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.