Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?