PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.