Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.