I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
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When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Worlds greatest photobomb
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal