whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
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Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek