Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
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BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.