I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Good dog. ❤️
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.