JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
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it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband: