My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Buying a well is money well spent.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.