Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
There is no “ea” in Tim.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn