having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
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wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.