if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The French cow says MEUX…
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
LMAO
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..