Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.