Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
*puts cutlery down*
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.