When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
You Might Also Like
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
S M O L
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it