This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
first you must answer his riddles
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach