Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know