Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
next level snooze