COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Liquor Store Parking
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad