First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
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[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”