You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
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[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*