*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
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As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I wish this was real life…
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
tinder is all about the long game
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Some people were born into their job.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams