If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.