Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork