BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
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Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)