If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
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*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
The two types of wives
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.