My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
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The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
it must be school picture day
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.