[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
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I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Hamburger Hinderer.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?